are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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