and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
