I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Come share oat with me in your robe
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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