You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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