she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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