The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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