mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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