please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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