i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
