thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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