I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
NoShamevember. You game?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
