Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
