Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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