We named our party play list daddy issues
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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