the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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