You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
