I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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