4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
