I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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