This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
