I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
