Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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