we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
