well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
