Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
