It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
