you're like a bully in the Christmas story
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
