i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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