You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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