you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
