We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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