Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
