My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
