The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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