My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
