Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
