I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
