Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
