If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
