so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
