I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
