Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
