i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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