i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize
