I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
