when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
