Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
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Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
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That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter