I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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