So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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