batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
