does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm too high and old for this...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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