pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
