I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
