Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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