This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
