The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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