She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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