She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
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He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
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It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize