I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
